Insidecy

As I sit here, enjoying the wonderful flavors of my Jack-in-the-Box faux-taco, I’m thinking. Every once in a while, I think out loud here on my blog in totally abstract, vague, and nonsensical blabber. It’s quite a treat if you get to read them. They’re normally somewhat depressing yet with a dash of hope in them. I suppose tonight wouldn’t be any different.

I mean here I am with a post title that is already dark in itself. ‘Restless’ signifying that I can’t sleep and that obviously something is troubling me. Also, being 1:30 in the morning means that tomorrow’s not going to be all that great at work.

So let’s get to the heart of the matter. This week I’ve been deep in thought. I guess the new year always does this to me. It’s a time to re-evaluate what’s important in life and what takes precedent.

Last year what was important to me was so clear, yet I didn’t do all too much to show it or really give it the significance that I claimed to put on it. My actions certainly proved otherwise. Such is life, maybe?

It seems every quarter of the year, the same progression takes over. At the first part of the quarter, you’re really on track with life. Things are going right, but as you near the end of it, you’re down in the pits and things are just wrong. Then something significant happens in life that sets you straight and puts you where you should be. You shoot back up and you’re a-ok again. Then same thing… a couple weeks later, you’ve lost your way once more. The law of undulation is what they call it. Can we ever just keep getting better? Or at least just plateau for a while? Because the whole crashing and burning thing is really getting old every several months.

Here’s the thing. I know the goals I have in life. I know what the end picture is… at least what I want it to look like. Yet it seems that I voluntarily choose every possible avenue to screw it up. It’s like for a temporary moment (sometimes, not all that temporary), I put that picture down, or I blur my vision of it and I get caught up with the here and now. Granted, people say to live in the moment and to live as each if day was your last, but there is still something to be said about goals and dreams.

It’s weird. Do you ever feel like you live in spite of your own self? That’s what it seems I do to myself sometimes. They say you are your own worse enemy and looking back at my life in retrospect, that saying rings with so much truth.

If you guys couldn’t tell, I’m in my ‘downs’ right now. When did life get so complicated? When did failure and disappointment become something so tangible? Sure there are several hidden gems of pure joy here and there, but the overall state of things seems to overshadow that.

I had a great talk with one of my best friends tonight and I think that is what has made me restless tonight. Being forced to bring what’s been troubling me to the forefront of my mind, rather than compartmentalize it and let it fester, seems to be just what I needed.

And there was the little pinch of hope in an overall sad post.

I’m hoping the ‘ups’ come along soon.

Cy