Insidecy


[untitled 2]
February 11, 2007, 7:39 am
Filed under: Spirituality, Thoughts

God, you are so real to me. So real.

My eyes are red. My face streaming with tears. My bottom lip quivering. In darkness, I sit in my car in the middle of the desert, engine running, radio off. I look up at the stars. They’re beautiful.

I’ve been driving around west of town, looking for a secluded place to just throw open the floodgates of emotion that I’ve been holding on to since talking with him in the crowded restaurant. I am alone, but feel comforted. Scared, but secured. Hurt, but mended.

My forehead rests on the steering wheel as I utterly just weep. I’m at a loss for words. All I can do is cry. I think about what my friend just told me at Denny’s. I can believe it. It just hurts. It hurts a whole heck of a lot. I think to myself, this isn’t about me. But in a lot of ways, it is.

He tells me the wrong he has done; the hurt he has caused; the sin that pierces his soul. My heart breaks in front of him and I try to hold my composure. I can see the fear in his tired eyes. He’s been up for quite a while. They’re moist and red. He’s been crying a lot today. I’m devastated to see someone so full of life like this. But we all have our downs.

I tell him with tears that there is absolutely nothing that he can do that will make me love him less. I tell him that he is my brother, always will be. I accept him fully for who he is, faults and all. I continue on as he lays his head down in his hands and convulses with tears. I put my hand on his and tell him,

“I’m here for you. I always will be. Never doubt that.”

We look at each other with wet eyes. I share an experience in my life that I can relate to him with and tell him that it’s not the end of the world. God loves to use broken sinners like us. The difference between him and I is that he got open with it quickly, whereas I let this sin infect and wound my soul while I kept it hidden for years. It only got worse until I hit rock bottom. That’s when I had to be honest with myself, God, and some close spiritual friends who would let down the rope and pull me up out of the well.

He thanks me for my friendship and love, but says he doesn’t deserve it. I reflect on the things I’ve done in my past and how I’ve hurt those I love as well.

“Bro, I don’t deserve it anymore than you do either. But that’s what’s so great about God.”

He nods in agreement. I’m glad it’s not as bad as I thought it would be. All throughout the day, multiple things ran through my mind. The worst of which was that I thought that he would be moving away somewhere and that I most likely would never see him again. That thought killed me. Hopefully, this isn’t the case.

He tells me, “Cy, I still want to be faithful. I still love God. I care about God. I care about discipleship,” he starts to break into tears, “I care about you; about the ministry…” he goes on and my heart is reassured that he’ll come out of this victorious and ever more faithful and sure of his promises in the Lord.

We both say our peace and I let him leave to go home and do what he needs to do. I pick up the bill for our two coffees and head out. Once in the car, I explode into hysterics. It’s almost uncontrollable. I feel I need to drive away somewhere far, organize my thoughts, and pray.

I find a good place to pull over and just stop everything. I sit for a while in silence. Just thinking. Just wondering.

As I go through the multitude of feelings and thoughts in my mind, I experience sensations of pain, where I cry so hard and so loud, and sensations of joy, where I rejoice because I know it’s not all in vain.

This hits me so hard because it’s about the people I care for the most in this life. I confess to God that getting an awesome education, landing a high-paying job, and any other material thing I can gather for myself is worth absolutely nothing to me. What I care about is my family and what I can do to help them and make them happy. So this hurts. It hurts because I feel powerless to fix what he’s going through, but at the same time, I am at ease because I know that God works for the good of those who love him and luckily for this guy, he still loves God.

I continue to pray for the ministry and the people involved in it. I pray for the mission that we have on this earth. I pray for the leaders of the church and that they’ll be wise in the decisions they make. I pray that I would be completely empty of myself and filled with His spirit because the ‘Cy’ I know really sucks and can’t do much, but if God is for me, who can be against me?

I drive off after a while of thinking and praying and sing a couple songs out loud to God. I sing about God letting his blessings and promises rain down on his people. That he would open up the floodgates of Heaven and bring consistency, sovereignty, righteousness and mercy to his people. I sing another song about being absolutely nothing, but everything to God. About how he commands us to come to Him, stand in silence and be overwhelmed by who He is. All of it. About how that silence is broken by my weeping over my own wretchedness. How Christ’s redemptive blood covers my entirety and my shame. How God’s powerful and booming voice shakes the Heavens with his words, yet also whispers my name. How Christ catches my tears and wipes them from my face with his hands scarred by the nails of the cross. How I am just so overwhelmed by everything God is and everything I am not.

I think about how relevant those songs are. As I drive home in song, I shed tears of happiness because of life. All I can say to my creator is, God, you are so real to me. So real. I see that tonight more than ever.

I look up at the stars in wonder of the Lord. They’re still beautiful.

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